Children are sometimes overlooked or misunderstood when a family is grieving the death of a loved one. Simon and Rebecca Welham – the father and daughter team behind Welham Jones Funerals and Memorials – explain how to support children, understand their loss, and involve them.
How do children respond to losing a loved one?
Children will often ‘jump in and out’ of grief, so will be very upset one minute and then a while later play or act as though life is the same.
Some children express great distress and others don’t react at all. This is quite normal. It might take
children time to process grief and change. They might require some help from adults with expressing their feelings.
Understanding how different age groups behave in grief
Children of different ages react in different ways to bereavement, depending on their level of
understanding.
Babies need lots of reassurance
Babies do not understand death. They are likely to respond to the absence of someone who cared for them by crying, sometimes inconsolably. They may have trouble with eating and sleeping and become more withdrawn or clingy. Routines help them feel safe and secure.
Young children need clear terminology
Toddlers up to five years have no or limited knowledge of death and its permanence, so will think it’s
reversible. They have a literal understanding of explanations and need adults to be clear in their
terminology. So, use words like ‘death’ and ‘dying’, rather than ‘gone to sleep’ or ‘gone to heaven’. These
phrases might evoke fear of going to bed; and concern as to why the deceased didn’t want to stay with us.
Common behaviours are increased anger and tantrums, becoming clingier or withdrawn or anxious, and reverting to bed wetting or thumb sucking. They will need reassuring the death was not their fault and need to feel safe and not shamed for having any accidents.
Older children require support expressing feelings
Five to 10 year olds will start to understand that death is irreversible and happens to all living things. They will ask questions about death and worry that others might die. Older children will show empathy and may internalise some emotions so as not to be a bother. Or they might complain of tummy pain or a headache. They might start withdrawing or showing increased anger and aggressive behaviour.
Support older children in expressing their feelings. Ask gentle questions, ideally when doing an activity.
Sharing how you feel yourself will help them.
Teenagers need your availability and security
Teenagers understand death and the finality of it, and what it means for them in their lives now and
beyond. As friendships are more important than family to this age group, you might notice less empathy, which can be very difficult, but it is usual.
Grief can be amplified during these teenage years, as so much change is occurring to their bodies and at school. Common reactions are intense anger, sadness and guilt, feeling worse about themselves, becoming withdrawn and having difficulty expressing feelings. You might also see risk-taking behaviours and testing of boundaries.
Remaining available and saying that you are there if they need you is extremely important. Avoid pushing, as this can drive teenagers away. Maintain limits and boundaries as normal to send the message of security and consistency.
Children will revisit grief at milestones
As children get older, they revisit grief at significant life stages and it’s important to prepare for this.
Leaving schools, starting university or moving away from home, marriage and having their own children are all times that their loss might revisit. Finding the right support at these times is vital.
Should children attend the funeral?
Depending on your beliefs, religion or cultural customs, giving children a choice about the funeral can be valuable. Be clear about what will happen throughout the service and wake, and how people who attend might react. That way, children can make an informed choice, and decide if they want to be a part of the service. Attending a funeral can help children accept the reality of death and feel less scared.
The children’s bereavement charity Winston’s Wish found that of children they have supported many were really pleased they attended and others who didn’t go regretted it later.
Ways to involve children with bereavement
If children decide not to attend the funeral, they can still be involved. Some caskets are cardboard and
allow children to decorate them, they can help in choosing photos for the order of service books or create a picture or drawing or write a letter card to be put in the coffin.
Lighting a candle on birthdays and visiting the grave or scattering ashes can be something you can do
together to remember. And creating a memory box of meaningful objects and photos of the person who has died can be something special to do with children.
01732 742400
Sevenoaks@welhamjones.co.uk
www.welhamjones.co.uk
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Author: Helen Loder
Co-Director of Sevenoaks Mums